Sluts Poop, Too

You may consider this post NSFW, and it may offend you.  But if that’s true, then you are exactly the person who needs to read this. So by all means, proceed with reckless abandon.

Fact: everybody poops.  And if you’re shaking your head thinkin you don't, well, you're probably full of shit.  Either figuratively or literally.

Depending on body weight and diet, the average American carries around 5-20 pounds of extra poop in the gastrointestinal tract. Unless you are regularly scraping the insides of your colon out with a charcoal sponge, it’s a near guarantee that fecal residue from many meals past still lines those fleshy walls.  Ever wonder why Janet Jackson’s abs look so amazing?  Bitch is no stranger to the beautiful thing that is the colonic.

I am a Virgo, and I hold all stress in my stomach. Translation: I am always constipated or obsessing over bowel movements.  When I lived in NYC, a gay bottom friend, all too familiar with my affinity for laxatives, always asked me the same question before consuming anything in my apartment: “Is this going to make me shit?”

“Detoxing” is truly having its shining-star moment.  Even the basic Ugg-wearing bitch loves juice fasting in her activewear.  Word of advice to said girl: it’s probably best to change out of those $100 Lululemons because they’ll end up shit stained and forever unwearable.  Just sayin.  People are obsessed with probiotics, digestive health, and kombucha.  Detoxing is basically a fancy way of saying, “getting rid of stuff your body no longer needs.”  This can be done in only so many ways: sweating, urinating, and pooping.  

Chances are if someone you know is in a bad mood, they probably haven't pooped today.  Go ahead.   Ask them.  I dare you.  They may say they haven't slept, but they probably also haven't pooped.  The reality is their lack of sleep may have contributed to the constipation, but at the same time they’re probably losing sleep over their shit.  The vicious cycle continues.

I’m not just here to #endthestigma about mental health.  I’m on a crusade to stop poop shaming, which, believe it or not, affects even more humans on earth than slut shaming. (No, I don't have stats to back that statement.)  You know what?  Sluts poop, too.  Be kind to everyone you meet.


Q: Does sweating while dancing until 4am at a gay club after poppin some Molly count as detoxing?

A: I'm going to say, “Yes.”

Q: What are the must-have accessories when committing to a juice cleanse?

A: Definitely baby wipes and an extra set of undies.  Bonus points for an extra outfit.  YOU NEVER KNOW.

Q: What is your position on colonics?

A: My theory is that, “It’s always better out than in,” but be warned that the procedure comes with a price.